It sends shivers down my spine when i see this misfit walking in the lonely roads in my colony...
i usually change my path when i see her from far... or start talking on my phone, i once even hid behind a building till i saw her gone far away...
uncombed hair, dark lipstick and a hysteric facial look which so clearly potray how crazy this place, this life are driving her
the story of an innocent bangla village girl marrying a despo looking bangla who roams around the colony half naked only in super shorts
and fights and beats her in the middle of the night...
Such a misfit...
she cannot speak english nor any language by which she can converse wid anyone here...
dont know last wen she had a conversation which would have made her feel human...
such a mistfit...
i think she took that very big leap at some point in life...
and having reached this far she doesn have the guts to jump back...
now she suddenly realises the fear of falling when one tries to jump far...
whenever i see her i try thinking of a way her life can change for good... try as hard as i can but cant think of one...
it looks so gloomy... the only eventualities i can think of is suicide or a runway...
Until today afternoon...
when i was taking a reverse in my car and my rear view showed up a bulged stomach...
it was her and she was pregnant...
That little being in there is hope...
its a total new dimension to her life i feel...
I smile big while i drive back to office.... God has his own good ways!!!
Saturday, November 17, 2007
Sunday, October 7, 2007
then and now
I see far and near, good and bad, beautiful and ugly, big and small from my window
It gives me the ability and time to analyse what I just want to see and forget versus what I wanna get inside my home
Thats when I saw you one day...
I ran and sprang my door wide open.
You glanced once and I was happy you found it worth a visit...
Coz I dint have the balls to invite.
But once you entered I rememeber taking over the show...
While you were still in the doorway and while you walked through the corridors inside I remember setting up the home to best suite you...
I changed a few things but I swear to God most things were still original, I polished some old furniture and kept refreshing the home though as I started to understand your likes and dislikes.
I could feel you starting to like the home...
and i remember you talking about your home at times... that got us close... the enormous difference in your home and mine...
I showed you my play room... those were some great fun hours and I remember plenty of them...
and then I showed you my treasury... which had emotions, genuineness, emptiness, playfullness, friendship... i remember you impressed with the riches...
and then the store room... my history...
and then the kitchen... full of filler items...
the backyard... we both sat and chatted about everything under the sun...
the video room... we saw such beautiful places on wide screen... it felt real at times...
and then you said you had to leave...
All of a sudden... I was scared of the emptiness in my home
You left... I came till the door... and stayed there for a while to receive you if you come back...
then I trudged back home and locked myself in a room, refused to look out of the window... coz I hated seeing out of it
Finally I stood up and closed the door...
The house scared me those days.until slowly i gathered the strength to walk up to the window.
I found it difficult initially but I gradually adjusted my self to the freshness of the air outside my window.
Once again I can see far and near, good and bad, beautiful and ugly, big and small from the window
Yes, There is a difference in what I like to see and how I analyse now while I look out...
My home does not scare me anymore.
Its back to its normal beauty...
It gives me the ability and time to analyse what I just want to see and forget versus what I wanna get inside my home
Thats when I saw you one day...
I ran and sprang my door wide open.
You glanced once and I was happy you found it worth a visit...
Coz I dint have the balls to invite.
But once you entered I rememeber taking over the show...
While you were still in the doorway and while you walked through the corridors inside I remember setting up the home to best suite you...
I changed a few things but I swear to God most things were still original, I polished some old furniture and kept refreshing the home though as I started to understand your likes and dislikes.
I could feel you starting to like the home...
and i remember you talking about your home at times... that got us close... the enormous difference in your home and mine...
I showed you my play room... those were some great fun hours and I remember plenty of them...
and then I showed you my treasury... which had emotions, genuineness, emptiness, playfullness, friendship... i remember you impressed with the riches...
and then the store room... my history...
and then the kitchen... full of filler items...
the backyard... we both sat and chatted about everything under the sun...
the video room... we saw such beautiful places on wide screen... it felt real at times...
and then you said you had to leave...
All of a sudden... I was scared of the emptiness in my home
You left... I came till the door... and stayed there for a while to receive you if you come back...
then I trudged back home and locked myself in a room, refused to look out of the window... coz I hated seeing out of it
Finally I stood up and closed the door...
The house scared me those days.until slowly i gathered the strength to walk up to the window.
I found it difficult initially but I gradually adjusted my self to the freshness of the air outside my window.
Once again I can see far and near, good and bad, beautiful and ugly, big and small from the window
Yes, There is a difference in what I like to see and how I analyse now while I look out...
My home does not scare me anymore.
Its back to its normal beauty...
annie
She stood there gazing at the moonlight shining so amazingly on the Pondicherry backwaters,
From the blanket of darkness I safely stared at one of the best moments of my life.
The pure white moonlight, the pure and beautiful backwaters, the pitched darkness of the night, the pin drop silence, I owe this to u'll
You all planned the set really so well, hats off to your co-ordination, sound effects, cinematography, colour combination, U'll were perfect that night.
I am so lucky to share such a moment with her.
One of those moments which I will stare straight at with closed eyes just before I am personally introduced to the mythical Yum Uncle whenever, wherever, however.
But I knew life can never be as beautiful as the moonlit water on either side of the road, coz I knew that she never felt for me the way i did about her, and still do.
This imbalance is the defining factor of our relationship, our best friendship, all the times spent together, all emotions spent for each other.
I could hear Uncle Conscience speak sternly... "How Long?"
She was even more lovely and stunning in Munnar,
Outside the window of the bus, the mountains, the trees, the rivers, the fog looked all decked up, trying to look as good as they could, dying to draw my attention.
"But I'd rather look at you"
Talk to you, make the most of every moment with you .
I feel a sweet pain in my heart as I converse with her, as electrified as I am, I act very normal
Yet another of those moments which I will stare straight at with closed eyes just before I am personally introduced to the mythical Yum Uncle whenever, wherever, however.
But I knew life can never be as beautiful as the eternal beauty of Munnar, coz I knew that she never felt for me the way i did about her, and still do.
This imbalance is the defining factor of our relationship, our best friendship, all the times spent together, all emotions spent for each other.
I could still hear Uncle Conscience speak sternly... "How Long?"
I see myself fall into a trance-like state, I had never felt this way before,
But, I let myself flow freely like a river, let destiny be the rocks who govern my path.
Every Body stays in a state of intertia until it is acted upon by an external unbalanced force,
I got myself into this intertia, and prayed to God to get me out of it.
I did not pray for what it is like today, nor did I pray for wat it was like then.
In fact I did not pray for a particular future, Coz I feared God listens.
What I prayed for was for an external force which got me out of inertia, I had to move on... I had to come back to life...
Then it happened, There came an External force in the form of Your moving on in life, My leaving Bangalore and The exponentially growing imbalance between us.
That was when I realised "How Long?". Those words did take the effort of climbing a thousand mountain peaks, But eventually they did come out.
Grey Haired Uncle Conscience smiled.
No more morning wake up calls, No waiting for her or making her wait, no traveling with her to office, Not conversing with her at breakfast, No arguing with her at lunch, no laughing with her at snack, no more Pondys, no more Keralas, Life changed.
"Soul is permanent. Being with someone in person could be materialistic, being with the soul lasts for life." is what once she had said while we were arguing, on an irrelevant topic.
I shrugged then, I follow it now.
It helped me in defeating the materialistic portion of the "Exponentially growing imbalance between us".
In retrospect, in analysis I so many times think. Why did it happen? Was it really necessary- for us to meet in life? for us to be good friends? for us to spend time and emotion with each other? for me to fall in love? For this imbalance between us to occur? and finally, to not be in material touch any more?
I only debate, I have no answer.
In life, giving a 100% to every experience is what matters, Because what comes out of each and every experience is the "me" of today and the "me" of today determines the experiences in store tomorrow.
I wish the best for her in life and am sure she does for me too.
As I wait in anticipation for the experiences of tomorrow, the next month, the next year, till death, I am bloody eager to know if she is gonna be a part of one of them. :-)
Till then I believe in her thunderous words "Soul is permanent".
From the blanket of darkness I safely stared at one of the best moments of my life.
The pure white moonlight, the pure and beautiful backwaters, the pitched darkness of the night, the pin drop silence, I owe this to u'll
You all planned the set really so well, hats off to your co-ordination, sound effects, cinematography, colour combination, U'll were perfect that night.
I am so lucky to share such a moment with her.
One of those moments which I will stare straight at with closed eyes just before I am personally introduced to the mythical Yum Uncle whenever, wherever, however.
But I knew life can never be as beautiful as the moonlit water on either side of the road, coz I knew that she never felt for me the way i did about her, and still do.
This imbalance is the defining factor of our relationship, our best friendship, all the times spent together, all emotions spent for each other.
I could hear Uncle Conscience speak sternly... "How Long?"
She was even more lovely and stunning in Munnar,
Outside the window of the bus, the mountains, the trees, the rivers, the fog looked all decked up, trying to look as good as they could, dying to draw my attention.
"But I'd rather look at you"
Talk to you, make the most of every moment with you .
I feel a sweet pain in my heart as I converse with her, as electrified as I am, I act very normal
Yet another of those moments which I will stare straight at with closed eyes just before I am personally introduced to the mythical Yum Uncle whenever, wherever, however.
But I knew life can never be as beautiful as the eternal beauty of Munnar, coz I knew that she never felt for me the way i did about her, and still do.
This imbalance is the defining factor of our relationship, our best friendship, all the times spent together, all emotions spent for each other.
I could still hear Uncle Conscience speak sternly... "How Long?"
I see myself fall into a trance-like state, I had never felt this way before,
But, I let myself flow freely like a river, let destiny be the rocks who govern my path.
Every Body stays in a state of intertia until it is acted upon by an external unbalanced force,
I got myself into this intertia, and prayed to God to get me out of it.
I did not pray for what it is like today, nor did I pray for wat it was like then.
In fact I did not pray for a particular future, Coz I feared God listens.
What I prayed for was for an external force which got me out of inertia, I had to move on... I had to come back to life...
Then it happened, There came an External force in the form of Your moving on in life, My leaving Bangalore and The exponentially growing imbalance between us.
That was when I realised "How Long?". Those words did take the effort of climbing a thousand mountain peaks, But eventually they did come out.
Grey Haired Uncle Conscience smiled.
No more morning wake up calls, No waiting for her or making her wait, no traveling with her to office, Not conversing with her at breakfast, No arguing with her at lunch, no laughing with her at snack, no more Pondys, no more Keralas, Life changed.
"Soul is permanent. Being with someone in person could be materialistic, being with the soul lasts for life." is what once she had said while we were arguing, on an irrelevant topic.
I shrugged then, I follow it now.
It helped me in defeating the materialistic portion of the "Exponentially growing imbalance between us".
In retrospect, in analysis I so many times think. Why did it happen? Was it really necessary- for us to meet in life? for us to be good friends? for us to spend time and emotion with each other? for me to fall in love? For this imbalance between us to occur? and finally, to not be in material touch any more?
I only debate, I have no answer.
In life, giving a 100% to every experience is what matters, Because what comes out of each and every experience is the "me" of today and the "me" of today determines the experiences in store tomorrow.
I wish the best for her in life and am sure she does for me too.
As I wait in anticipation for the experiences of tomorrow, the next month, the next year, till death, I am bloody eager to know if she is gonna be a part of one of them. :-)
Till then I believe in her thunderous words "Soul is permanent".
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