in retrospect

American Dream

2010-05-09T00:53:00.000-07:00

Namaskar Tau,
Have u heard about an America Dream? They kept talking about a certain American dream tau, when i first landed in USA it sounded so much larger than life, glamorous, possesion of the rich like the precious pearls and rubies of old. Now I am slowly realising that even the common man posseses it here, . no tau, i am not getting emotionally carried away or weighed down by the power of the dollar against the rupee tau. Ok let me give u a simple example. 50-70% of the native Americans may not know what cricket is. But there are 25 grounds with proper pitches in my city alone. And The amazing part is no one destroys the pitches in the darkness of the night while there is no one watching, and matches are never decided by fist fights or worse by hitting the bat on someones head. People from 3-4 countries play this game together here, share experiences and pain and make it a larger than life experience. Aint it living an American dream tau? for a person who loved the game and entered this country thinking that he may never even be able to watch it?
Okay Tau, I have to go to sleep now, I just played a 40 over game todayand have to watch the india - wi world cup game online tomorrow, buffering is also quick in this country tau. ;-)

mein ball ni jaddi fadi nakhi

2010-05-05T19:16:00.000-07:00

So I came home from a dirty day at work last night. Stared for a long time at nothing from my balcony window. Then I thought of things which can get me out of such a bad mood. 3 things came to mind,
1) 2 - 4 smokes - har fikr ko dhue mein udaaa...;-). However, I have quit smoking since the last 3 months so I crossed that option out.
2) 2 - 4 beers - my roomates and I have pledeged that drinks only on Friday or Saturday and this is a Thursday. So this option is rejected too.
3) Play some sport - "Racquet Balllll! - haan yaar kya idea hai!" get into the court, forget about the larger problems in life and worry about the smaller target of reaching 15 points before your opponent, and at the end off it a) get physically exhausted and mentally refreshed. b) rejoice the win or think about what went wrong in the game if u lost. Which if you draw parallels is something you gain out of yoga, meditiation, drinking.

So, I chose the 3rd option and went to the racquet ball court, hit the day light out of the one inch radius ball that evening, every slap on the ball was venting out my frustation of that day of work, If the ball were a russian girl in dubai, she got horifficly raped that night. If she were a life in a country like afganistan or africa, she was killed in bright light and was not considered a sin. In simple gujrati slang language "mein ball ni jaddi fadi nakhi"

The right balance

2009-06-10T21:52:00.001-07:00

It is so important to draw a balance between loving a lot AND not being taken for granted. COz its human to love a lot and its also human to take love for granted.

Spirited Efforts

2009-06-07T20:54:00.000-07:00

We witnessed this amazing power of spirted efforts today.

There are times when you lift yourself up, jump that extra yard, do what you do best but at a much higher level. And along with you, the people around you bear the fruits off it too.
With just 64 runs left to defend, Sanjay having already finished his magic of 3 wickets, and the sun beating down on a team with an average age of 36 yrs at a scorching 95 F.... although all of us wished to win (I had this intuition too that we would win) we didnt know who would take us there. And then came a spirited effort from, the hero of the match and this blog, thunderstorm Laeeq. With 3 bowleds and an LBW he blew the opposition away and we won by 3 runs in a close fought match.

Another spirited effort came when we batted. We were 8 wickets down on 164 and the opposition was anticipating an early lunch and easy finish. Fuzail and I were on the pitch and we had other ideas. A partnership of 64 runs between us turned the tide in our favour as we finished on 226 and gave our bowlers enough runs to bat.

Difficult to express but its amazing how much you simulate life in a single day of cricket.

Its burning out.

2009-05-25T23:55:00.000-07:00

A lit cigarette and An era of life are analogous. It lasts till its burns. Enjoy the pleasure or the regret of smoking it till it lasts. Always keep at the back of your mind that its gonna get over soon and once its over wait for the time to light up a new cigarette.

There is this amazing similarity between life and salsa.

2009-05-25T23:47:00.000-07:00

There is this amazing similarity between life and salsa.
The guy gives important directions. Directions are implicit, chivalrous, very prompt and keeping in mind the large picture of a good dance.
The girl receives the message and follows. Her grace, passion, beauty and movements determine how good the dance was.

Thousand Splendid Sons

2009-02-08T22:50:00.000-08:00

Thousand Splendid Sons signifies the golden age of Afghanistan. After having read Khaled Hossenis 2 books I am in love with that age of Afghanistan, with the GOOD brave men who stood by TRUE principles and fought the darkness that followed and most of all I am absolutely awe struck by Afghan women. Life cannot be more wretched, brutal and full of lust. I get shivers thinking of a world in which stoning to death, cutting of boobs, tounges and rape are the most obvious punishments of freedom of speech, thought or action. For a moment I wanna be selfish, close my eyes, feel at peace thinking about beautiful India and thank God for my mom, sisters and women friends for whom freedom is a way of life.

Now getting back to the book, by Khaled Hosseni and how it played with me, read on because its quite a co-incidence. I bought this book when I was in Mumbai. Thankfully I bought the original copy from crossword and paid my dues, my conscience would have snake bit me otherwise.

I would read the book whenever I got free time in that busy 24 day vacation and was reading the book on my Rajdhani trip to Kolkata. I was on the 68 th page. THIS PAGE MAKES A BRIEF MENTION ABOUT KOLKATA AND I READ IT EXACTLY WHEN THE TRAIN WAS APPROACHING THE KOLKATA RAILWAY STATION. I smile to myself at the co-incidence and soon forget about it. The next 2 days in Kolkata are really gruesome for me and my family. We go on a hell of a trip, enduring countless points of no returns, braving stampedes, boat sinking which could have happened so easily in a place where 12 lakh (1.2 million) human beings are trying to travel on the SAME day via mediocre infrastructure. The fact that we came out so well of the intense suffering will remain with us for the rest of our lives. I had not realised that the book was playing with me then, neither have you am sure.I kept reading the book on and off through the trip and decided to continue reading it on my flight back from Mumbai. First half of the trip went well. My flight had a halt in Frankfurt, Germany. I reached the boarding point at Frankfurt around 10 minutes in time and decided to read on. Boarding started and I was still reading. I READ PAGE NUMBER 156 AND THE BOOK MAKES A BRIEF MENTION ABOUT FRANFURT, GERMANY.

Some co-incidence, the book talks about Kolkata when I am in kolkata and about Frankfurt Germany when I am there.

I get into the flight and the flight has a left engine failure. Thankfully it was caught berfore we flew, else I wouldnt be writing ;-). We sit in the flight for 4 hours waiting for it to be fixed after which the technicians give up and the flight is cancelled. We get an alternate flight to Chicago after 2 more hours. And the connecting flight has another technical flaw. It has one crucial nut missing and it takes another 2 hours to fix it. The 24 hour journey becomes a 40 hour one.The fact that the book is about intense suffering and it gives me a hint twice before I get into trouble baffled me. I finished the book by the end of the trip to Dallas, hoping that I do not read Dallas, TX in it :-)

I am the best !?.---

2008-12-18T23:48:00.000-08:00

Yet again I am at the top of the world, yet again I feel unbeatable
I am the king, I am the best, I rule...
Yet again I promise myself I will make this feeling last
I will not doubt myself again...
lifes not reel, its real
there is more beyond "The End"
Even I was ecstatic like Will Smith was when he got the job in "The pursuit of happiness"
Then I joined office the next day and life continued. ;-)
I realise that its very important to celebrate "The Ends" in life.
Enjoy every bit of the HIGH...
drink, dance, play, hug, kiss, smoke...

This ones for the dreams.

2008-11-11T02:38:00.000-08:00

The stage was set that day. Top 2 of the 18 league teams move on to division 1. Our last game of the season, was a must win to stay in contention for the 2nd spot. If we lost, the season was over for us. The target was 197 and my team on 126/7 when I walked out to bat. Abdullah bhai who was already on the crease then was the only hope to carry us through. When I walked in he said, "Lets try our best and leave the rest to Him".
It was just by chance that I was there. The main wicket keeper walked out of the club following an altercation. Yes, Paki teams follow similar patterns everywhere. ;-) Asif bhai turned to me. Having had a bad first half off the season I was in no mood for playing but I understood how important it was for the team so there I was. I kept decently well that morning and hoped my job was done there. I didnt want to bat and hoped the other batters would finish it.
I nodded to what Abdullah bhai had to say. "I will be there with you till the end" is what I told him. Also the comment passed by the older keeper (who many think had come to watch us loose and watch me keep and bat badly) when I went in to bat had disgusted (read woken me up) me. When I went in to bat he said "Ankoor 4-6 marna hawa mein marna" which I thought was a silly reverse strategy to try an bog me down. This got me even more determined to win.
As I faced the first over I told myself. Okay so 70 runs to win... 7 wickets down. This ones for the dreams. Abdullah bhai was batting beautifully. He and I gave a stand of 38 runs after which he played on and got bowled. He was completely dejected. Before leaving he told me, "Ankoor pressure mein na aana, Kamal bhai can also bat a bit. Try your best". 32 runs to get, 2 wickets in hand and the last man could not bat for peanuts. Kamal bhai and I decided to finish it. Amidst lots of pressure and sledging we showed a lot of determination to not only come close to the target but also achieve it. The whole team jumped and danced in joy. Like Asif bhai correctly pointed. When we sit on our couches at night today all of us will proudly smile for a positive end to a tough season.
Yes that one was really for the dreams! An amazing co-incidence is the stark similarity of this match to my older blog "Cricket to me" which starts with 70 runs to win... 7 wickets down. Do blogs come true? Well, I should write more often then!

Some day

2008-09-09T00:52:00.000-07:00

One fine morning, while I am still lazying around in bed, the phone will ring and i will hate the sudden barging in on my privacy... but then when the ringer shows its you... my body will be ripped apart by a customary shiver... within the space of those few rings, the laziness will fade away and I will wake wide up due to the alertness it takes in going back and forth on whether I should pick your call right now or call back in the best of my moods. I will pick the call and say a grodgy "hello" to send across the message that I am sleepy and so might not be at my humorous best. But that will soon go into the background when you start to speak. Ankoor, the time that we spent in Bangalore does mean a lot to me, i treasure your friendship and miss you sometimes. And yess, it was perfectly ok to open up the way you did... it isnt foolish and and it doesnt hurt always...After I hang-up the ever so dried out tears will start flowing... I will be happy...

looking at earth from the window of an aeroplane

2008-09-08T23:37:00.000-07:00

sachu says "look at the city from the window of an aeroplane and imagine it to be a PCB (Printed Circuit board), the roads being the conductive pathways and we being the electrons moving along these pathways. Think about it, electricity moves from point A to point B which is the essence of a PCB (Printed Circuit Board). Likewise we moving around forms the essence of LIFE. In other words the world is a large PCB we are the electrons. "
Sachu is an electronics engg and so this thought can be categorised as "he has lost it. his work is getting to him"

END OF BLOG.

JUST KIDDING. I liked this thought instantly. So this time when I was flying down from Boston I tried seeing the earth as a PCB. and then I started thinking: -
If I were a painter I could look at earth as a painting which came out so well that its life like
If I were a finance guy I could look at 2 cities as financial institutions and the people traveling from one place to another can be compared to the flow of money
If I were a writer I could look at earth as a book, all of us part of a big story.

i think i should have named this blog "professional poetry from the window of an aeroplane" ;-)

a beautiful dialogue from 'never been kissed'

2008-09-07T21:15:00.000-07:00

that thing...

that moment when you kiss someone and everything around you becomes hazy and the only thing in focus is you and this person...

and you realise that that person is the only person you're supposed to kiss for the rest of your life...

and for one moment you get this amazing gift and you wanna laugh and you wanna cry coz you feel so lucky that you found it and so scared that it will go away all at the same time...

Cricket to me

2008-04-14T22:23:00.000-07:00

70 runs to win... 7 wickets down... Ankoor is the only recognised batsman on the pitch... Straight drive, punch through cover pull down squareleg... "Ankoorrrrrrrrrrrrrrryaaaa did you finish the page? you are on it since half an hour!!!" That was Mom... The rain interuption, or the should I say the thunderstorm interuption in my close finishing, heroic day dream.The human mind can never be blank, thoughts, dreams etc. always keep it busy. I have played a world record number of cricket matches in my day dreams, scored tonnes of runs and been a hero in each match. Thats how much I love the game.

One major regret I always carried is that I could never play competitive cricket. I am very aggressive by nature and as a kid always adored the way the pakis played their cricket and played it pretty much the same way, with aggression.

I remember a very funny incident as a kid in school when my senior house team was loosing badly and I was just a spectator. I went up to our captain who was fielding at the boundry with a vaseline bottle and asked him if he wanted to use it and that it could help win the game. He was stunned. When I played for my college team I was so chirpy behind the stumps, I used to get warnings from batsman, "match ke baad milte hain".

My day dreams finally got tired of being repeated and so they turned into a reality. I moved to Dallas and through this gentleman at work named Zia somehow got in touch with a Paki team which plays 2nd division league cricket in Dallas. Its a well recognised league and there is much more on offer than I had ever dreamt off. I play for them as a wicket keeper batsman. I am no hero player like the one in my dreams... in fact i have screwed it up in so many situations which I have won in my day dreams. so much so that in between I even quit it, totally. On retrospection I realised I was making the most common human error. Dream, dream dream and when you achieve it move on... take it for granted... leave it, coz its not exactly how the you had planned it, or maybe coz you had planned it wrong or may be too far.
So now I have started playing again and hope that this time around I will enjoy living this dream. That way I can make this a memory of a lifetime.

I meet some great individuals whenever I play a match. We call ourselves as Eagles. All of them have common traits. They are big at heart, very aggressive, hit the ball very hard, dont have a defensive bone, always think positive, bowl and bat their hearts out, never miss a chance to pull someones leg, are never short of a word. They are full of advice and will shower upon you any amount of trust and support if they think you are good, honest and have talent. Amir bhai, Asif bhai and Abdullah bhai are my favourites.

You will always need something to fix.

2008-04-14T22:20:00.000-07:00

You will always need something to fix.

When life gets very very tough, and it reaches a point from where you question the mere existence of God, good deeds, truth, infact the need to continue your own life... and You choose to stand up tall and fight hard and smart. Like a hero walking out of fire you emerge out of the troubles of life, to tell the tale of bravery and determination. This blog is not about the initial struggle and your bravery in emerging out of it. Its about the aftermath of it.

Let me start with a simple example. If you solve a good problem in math, it doesnt end there. You will always need something harder to solve. Likewise if you fix a hard time in life, you will always need something more to fix. You will savour the struggle to success more than the statisfaction of acheiveing it. And subconciuosly you will start looking for a new struggle. Because suddenly you discover thats the only way you have learnt to live.

Have you heard of kids mixing up all the sections of a jigsaw puzzle so that solving the puzzle becomes hard? Yes you yourself might actually end up creating the rest of the struggles in your life. Examples are falling in love with a person who is never going to reciprocate, getting hooked on to some addiction (like fag or booze), starting a silly business. You will do it with the same intensity with which you fought the battle of your life, and in the process this time around loose yourself and there starts a bigger battle.

You will do well at things in which you are an under dog or you're at the receiving end. Dont believe me? Try playing a duel game against an opponent equal or lesser that you. You will not do well untill you start losing. Thats when you will realise, that you always need something to fix:-)
One theory which runs through my mind always when I see India and Australia play is: The Indians wont do well until it gets stiff, afterall most of Indias men thrive in difficulty coz we are a developing nation. We do not thrive in a bed of roses coz we are still not used to it. And so we enjoy playing David always and not Goliath.

My advice to you is CHILL. After you emerge out from a tough battle, leave the airs of being a hero behind... get back to living the simplicity in life again. The enjoyment of waking up in the morning with nothing to worry about.Get used to being happy for longer periods. Enjoy life till life presents the next battle,if at all.

Please do not find something to fix.

HOPE

2007-11-17T01:39:00.000-08:00

It sends shivers down my spine when i see this misfit walking in the lonely roads in my colony...
i usually change my path when i see her from far... or start talking on my phone, i once even hid behind a building till i saw her gone far away...
uncombed hair, dark lipstick and a hysteric facial look which so clearly potray how crazy this place, this life are driving her
the story of an innocent bangla village girl marrying a despo looking bangla who roams around the colony half naked only in super shorts
and fights and beats her in the middle of the night...
Such a misfit...
she cannot speak english nor any language by which she can converse wid anyone here...
dont know last wen she had a conversation which would have made her feel human...
such a mistfit...
i think she took that very big leap at some point in life...
and having reached this far she doesn have the guts to jump back...
now she suddenly realises the fear of falling when one tries to jump far...
whenever i see her i try thinking of a way her life can change for good... try as hard as i can but cant think of one...
it looks so gloomy... the only eventualities i can think of is suicide or a runway...
Until today afternoon...
when i was taking a reverse in my car and my rear view showed up a bulged stomach...
it was her and she was pregnant...
That little being in there is hope...
its a total new dimension to her life i feel...
I smile big while i drive back to office.... God has his own good ways!!!

then and now

2007-10-07T18:32:00.000-07:00

I see far and near, good and bad, beautiful and ugly, big and small from my window
It gives me the ability and time to analyse what I just want to see and forget versus what I wanna get inside my home
Thats when I saw you one day...
I ran and sprang my door wide open.
You glanced once and I was happy you found it worth a visit...
Coz I dint have the balls to invite.
But once you entered I rememeber taking over the show...
While you were still in the doorway and while you walked through the corridors inside I remember setting up the home to best suite you...
I changed a few things but I swear to God most things were still original, I polished some old furniture and kept refreshing the home though as I started to understand your likes and dislikes.
I could feel you starting to like the home...
and i remember you talking about your home at times... that got us close... the enormous difference in your home and mine...
I showed you my play room... those were some great fun hours and I remember plenty of them...
and then I showed you my treasury... which had emotions, genuineness, emptiness, playfullness, friendship... i remember you impressed with the riches...
and then the store room... my history...
and then the kitchen... full of filler items...
the backyard... we both sat and chatted about everything under the sun...
the video room... we saw such beautiful places on wide screen... it felt real at times...
and then you said you had to leave...
All of a sudden... I was scared of the emptiness in my home
You left... I came till the door... and stayed there for a while to receive you if you come back...
then I trudged back home and locked myself in a room, refused to look out of the window... coz I hated seeing out of it
Finally I stood up and closed the door...
The house scared me those days.until slowly i gathered the strength to walk up to the window.
I found it difficult initially but I gradually adjusted my self to the freshness of the air outside my window.
Once again I can see far and near, good and bad, beautiful and ugly, big and small from the window
Yes, There is a difference in what I like to see and how I analyse now while I look out...
My home does not scare me anymore.
Its back to its normal beauty...

annie

2007-10-07T18:22:00.000-07:00

She stood there gazing at the moonlight shining so amazingly on the Pondicherry backwaters,
From the blanket of darkness I safely stared at one of the best moments of my life.
The pure white moonlight, the pure and beautiful backwaters, the pitched darkness of the night, the pin drop silence, I owe this to u'll
You all planned the set really so well, hats off to your co-ordination, sound effects, cinematography, colour combination, U'll were perfect that night.
I am so lucky to share such a moment with her.
One of those moments which I will stare straight at with closed eyes just before I am personally introduced to the mythical Yum Uncle whenever, wherever, however.
But I knew life can never be as beautiful as the moonlit water on either side of the road, coz I knew that she never felt for me the way i did about her, and still do.
This imbalance is the defining factor of our relationship, our best friendship, all the times spent together, all emotions spent for each other.
I could hear Uncle Conscience speak sternly... "How Long?"
She was even more lovely and stunning in Munnar,
Outside the window of the bus, the mountains, the trees, the rivers, the fog looked all decked up, trying to look as good as they could, dying to draw my attention.
"But I'd rather look at you"
Talk to you, make the most of every moment with you .
I feel a sweet pain in my heart as I converse with her, as electrified as I am, I act very normal
Yet another of those moments which I will stare straight at with closed eyes just before I am personally introduced to the mythical Yum Uncle whenever, wherever, however.
But I knew life can never be as beautiful as the eternal beauty of Munnar, coz I knew that she never felt for me the way i did about her, and still do.
This imbalance is the defining factor of our relationship, our best friendship, all the times spent together, all emotions spent for each other.
I could still hear Uncle Conscience speak sternly... "How Long?"
I see myself fall into a trance-like state, I had never felt this way before,
But, I let myself flow freely like a river, let destiny be the rocks who govern my path.
Every Body stays in a state of intertia until it is acted upon by an external unbalanced force,
I got myself into this intertia, and prayed to God to get me out of it.
I did not pray for what it is like today, nor did I pray for wat it was like then.
In fact I did not pray for a particular future, Coz I feared God listens.
What I prayed for was for an external force which got me out of inertia, I had to move on... I had to come back to life...
Then it happened, There came an External force in the form of Your moving on in life, My leaving Bangalore and The exponentially growing imbalance between us.
That was when I realised "How Long?". Those words did take the effort of climbing a thousand mountain peaks, But eventually they did come out.
Grey Haired Uncle Conscience smiled.
No more morning wake up calls, No waiting for her or making her wait, no traveling with her to office, Not conversing with her at breakfast, No arguing with her at lunch, no laughing with her at snack, no more Pondys, no more Keralas, Life changed.
"Soul is permanent. Being with someone in person could be materialistic, being with the soul lasts for life." is what once she had said while we were arguing, on an irrelevant topic.
I shrugged then, I follow it now.
It helped me in defeating the materialistic portion of the "Exponentially growing imbalance between us".
In retrospect, in analysis I so many times think. Why did it happen? Was it really necessary- for us to meet in life? for us to be good friends? for us to spend time and emotion with each other? for me to fall in love? For this imbalance between us to occur? and finally, to not be in material touch any more?
I only debate, I have no answer.
In life, giving a 100% to every experience is what matters, Because what comes out of each and every experience is the "me" of today and the "me" of today determines the experiences in store tomorrow.
I wish the best for her in life and am sure she does for me too.
As I wait in anticipation for the experiences of tomorrow, the next month, the next year, till death, I am bloody eager to know if she is gonna be a part of one of them. :-)
Till then I believe in her thunderous words "Soul is permanent".